Christmas
Such a tender time for humans. Everything seems more intense--lights, colors, food, seismic gatherings of family and friends, and in the north of our planet, the days are shorter and cold.
We need to be gentle. For me, I find it helpful to slow the pace. I take a cue from polar bears, ancient, powerful beings--no late night partying for these creatures--mostly they sleep.
Though I have relationships that ask me to responsibly tend to them, I aim to do that this holiday season within clear, healthy boundaries of time, money and psychic energy. There is no win if I deplete myself to "show" my love. That love ought to be shared all through the year. The symbols we share at this time seem to be to me more meaningful as thoughtful tokens, dear reminders of love.
It makes me profoundly sad that it has become something very material.
The other note that resonates is love.
To partner is natural. I long to be with a husband. It's true--I confess it freely. And this is a time of year when that pull is intense. If only that it's chilly sometimes and the warmth of being held is so luxurious. That's a suspended phrase--bad language--but there: it serves to show this is disorienting--love. I want to be in a relationship again. I want to give and receive the love that warms my bed, and asks me to share who I am, and demands I learn about the other man.
It's something that my father has trouble understanding. It's something that my brother understands and supports. It's good to be here in my brother's home, with his accepting girlfriend, and to see what they have together. It's important to have a reflection of myself from my nuclear family that says, "yes, you are loved as you are for who you are, not in spite of your parts that I cannot accept." That love is love as much Dad can love, but it still hurts and all I can do today is let it go and embrace what I do have...which is so much.
And there is hope. I'm keeping the hope for love close for now, but yes, there is hope out there in the world. The north star, the sunlight of the spirit. The Christmas tree--glad for the most delicious food, family and warm gatherings. Love well.
We need to be gentle. For me, I find it helpful to slow the pace. I take a cue from polar bears, ancient, powerful beings--no late night partying for these creatures--mostly they sleep.
Though I have relationships that ask me to responsibly tend to them, I aim to do that this holiday season within clear, healthy boundaries of time, money and psychic energy. There is no win if I deplete myself to "show" my love. That love ought to be shared all through the year. The symbols we share at this time seem to be to me more meaningful as thoughtful tokens, dear reminders of love.
It makes me profoundly sad that it has become something very material.
The other note that resonates is love.
To partner is natural. I long to be with a husband. It's true--I confess it freely. And this is a time of year when that pull is intense. If only that it's chilly sometimes and the warmth of being held is so luxurious. That's a suspended phrase--bad language--but there: it serves to show this is disorienting--love. I want to be in a relationship again. I want to give and receive the love that warms my bed, and asks me to share who I am, and demands I learn about the other man.
It's something that my father has trouble understanding. It's something that my brother understands and supports. It's good to be here in my brother's home, with his accepting girlfriend, and to see what they have together. It's important to have a reflection of myself from my nuclear family that says, "yes, you are loved as you are for who you are, not in spite of your parts that I cannot accept." That love is love as much Dad can love, but it still hurts and all I can do today is let it go and embrace what I do have...which is so much.
And there is hope. I'm keeping the hope for love close for now, but yes, there is hope out there in the world. The north star, the sunlight of the spirit. The Christmas tree--glad for the most delicious food, family and warm gatherings. Love well.
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