and then we were one

Marriage. I never believed it was possible to love this deeply again. And yet, here I am loving deeply. And married. We married to get our recorded love down in the books before 2017, but we'll wed in hope of something better in 2018. Hope. And now this inbetween phase. It all seems limbo. I proposed on one knee last Gay Pride. It was amazing. Our second Pride together, and we were with dear Bobby who is still in shock it all unfolded live right before him. At the burrito joint. A declaration of love. Being married is a different thing than being in a committed relationship. There's City Hall and the ring and all that ceremony -- which are things. The luncheon with his parents, dear friends, my brother and his wife. The after pictures at the Oculus -- the bright white and the tenderness of holidays. December 16, 2016. The dinner out -- just the two of us -- at Swine. My Jewish husband picks Swine -- and it was amazing. This limbo between marriage and wedding -- a planned ceremony of our love. The community gathering of folks we plan to bind closer to during the year ahead as we truly merge our lives. Cats. I will live with cats. And my debt and what that means and my low credit score. He will live with that. And in half the space I'm accustomed to 440 square feet. That's tiny -- divided into a two bedroom. Just crazy. Really, but the location is good. We four will be on top of each other all the time for 2 years. David, Karl and our two cats. Our. April 1st. No more officially separate homes though mine will linger for 2 more months, at best? Limbo -- between places. Aiming to one. Between marriage and wedding. Between catless dander free and cat hair, pee and poo on the floors. The constant pitter patter and meowing and scratching -- will I ever get a good night's sleep again, ever. Bags under my eyes, sleep deprived mania. And my back -- my lower back. I'm scared. Frankly as amazing as this is -- past the two years, still amazing love and lovemaking, and marriage -- hell, marriage -- I never dreamt of that and here it is. I'm still scared that this is a mirage. I'm scared I'll fail and that my shortcomings will drag this all down. I'm afraid the new place is too small and we'll crowd each other out and the cats will scratch my eyes. And I leave this mark here. To reflect on later. What it means to transform into one, from two. Live well.