Almost Six Years with this Man

And so soon, this will be the longest relationship I've ever been in. This means David will test my ability to tolerate joy? They say all relationships go through things. There's for example the seven year itch. Whatever that means. And it's said gay relationship years are fast speed -- the same way cats' lifespans are faster somehow. As if that's a thing -- as if each animal type has no difference in how even time is defined. Apples/oranges. All I know as I muse on my relationship with David is that this man feels still right. This is the one I want to keep doing all this with. Something really simple came to mind one year later. Relationships are more than just work. They work if I want to put the time, thought and effort into having a relationship. I mean, unless it's a horrible Stockholm syndrome situation or other ghastly thing, my parents probably exemplify it best. Just stick through the bad times unless some categorical integrity issue is at hand, and the bad stuff is pretty much outweighed by the joy in partnership. Sex is a thing. I have no idea if any couple on planet earth really sorts that out. As with most things, honest, ongoing, clear, direct conversation -- asking for what we want, and considering the other person's physical, mental, emotional (sometimes even money and career impact sex needs/urges), just considering the other person, works. I love that for me and for David, I presume, we try to be thoughtful and keep it fun and light all at the same time. Money -- ahhhhh!!!! I know we both want me to just figure out work once and for all and get it done. But for me, it's still an ongoing journey. Money and career have been in the swirl with the BLM and my own personal reckoning that I'm Black y'all. I'm Black. I'm sorting through my own personal acceptance of that and what that means. And what being in a marriage with a white man means. I'm sorting out what being Black at work has meant in my past and how I've approached that fact. And how I want to, as in there's a yearning now, be authentically me. I'm reading. Tons. I'm learning so much about race and myself. I've hidden deeply parts of myself that I just never wanted to acknowledge because I was afraid. I thought coming out as gay was hard enough. Being Black was something I just kinda did on the side. I know. It sounds so silly. But I am so aware fundamentally, that when people ask me simple questions such as -- "You're from Jamaica? Where's your accent?" -- I cringe inside. Outside I have a polished fun anectodal answer, but inside I know that a part of me is hiding. I'm ostensibly saying -- "I'm the same as you--whoever "you" are. I'm non-threatening. I'm a safe person. I'll never be angry. I float above race. Just human. Please, let's never talk about how obviously different I am and focus solely on how same we are." I never thought of that as profound denial. I thought of it as reaching across the aisle. What's that got to do with David? Well, I want to be more authentic so he can truly see me. And, I realize that by hiding, I'm also gauzing my gaze to truly see him. If I'm looking through a mask, am I letting myself see my husband? What I do know, is that he partially really sees me. Even when I'm hiding. And I know at the core, I see him too. But this upcoming year, starting now, I want to unveil myself more and invite him to unveil too. I've always known this and continue to believe, that here in our little family is a microcosm of what's happening on the larger stage. Jamaican man. Jewish man. From a small island where there's a lot of poverty. From America -- land of opportunity. There's much this little dyad can share and learn and I'm excited to see what comes of this year ahead. Post traumatic growth is the plan, people. Because seeing all those images and video this summer was traumatic. To feel that there's a racial divide that equals doom for me, and advantage white sickens my soul. And the growth and the love that can come out of that dire reckoning, well, now, that's as American as it gets, no? So I will try to write some chapters into that story. See ya soon. I have a tale to tell.