I'm Deep in Love
And so it is: week 14 and I melt at his touch. His smile quickens me...yes all that stuff. I'm truly just happy to talk, to get a text, to hold and be held. And that's that. It's a feeling of falling, letting go, and a small terror -- the kind you experience in the 40's -- of "am I really to trust and let go, or is this dangerous?" I'm pacing myself in this as we both seem to naturally want to go headlong, fast lane down a crazy road with no brakes. I know I squeeze them gently now and then, and take time outs for myself to breathe and take in what's happening. Every time I do, I conclude, this is very good.
Age and wisdom make you wonder about good things and toss and turn them over until they are bruised because of hurts in the past. I know I bring the past relationships forward with all those hurt places tender again: from childhood even, with my father. As much as I've worked to heal the past, it remains present easily triggered to consciousness when the experience is now a shadow of itself forgiven and exorcised in therapy and program and tribal dances at Rowe. Can I trust the good to be good in my life today, with him and in other areas of my life? or is there a blemish, an internal hollow of which I should be afraid? That's the sort of crazy that comes into my head and I have to calm and tame it to proceed.
This could be the most amazing relationship: I feel it deep in my psyche, the one that lasts a lifetime. Look at the evidence over 14 weeks: how solid and safe it's been. I've been eating better: cooking more at home. I've been sleeping better: he loves getting to bed on time.
And there's the insomnia that he suffers and that's where I feel helpless and the crazy thoughts begin again. How can I be a thoughtful kind boyfriend to someone who struggles with insomnia? I can talk with other men whose partners suffer with this too. An ALANON for men who love men who suffer from insomnia. The alternate personality etc. What's that about anyway? Is is something I did? And if I fail to be appropriately supportive, will I lose this? He reassures me I'm doing all that there is to do. But I of course want to get an A.
Let go.
We're starting to on the one hand find an easy groove and pattern to our lives as they twine together, and on the other hand we're finding the fault lines. We promised a year before even thinking of living together, and yet I get bothered by the travelling between our homes. What gives me so much hope for this relationship, is our thoughtfulness with each other as we discover: my controlling tendencies, his tender places, my raw and scared places (I can literally buzz around our homes as if there were a million things to do--the way a mouse does in a cage), his angry places where he wants to tear down walls around career stuff, and we're learning to listen, be present and take it all in without the need to fix, repair, redress each other. We're accepting the person we're falling in love with and deciding to be supportive, loving and kind. We're starting to stretch into behavior just out of our zones to be there for the other, and to share our time, money and stuff with each other, our soulful knowledge, our wisdom. Most of all though, I think we're opening up to show each other the areas that hurt and need consoling. And that has made the difference.
We both want to help the other heal. And that's how our love grows.
Age and wisdom make you wonder about good things and toss and turn them over until they are bruised because of hurts in the past. I know I bring the past relationships forward with all those hurt places tender again: from childhood even, with my father. As much as I've worked to heal the past, it remains present easily triggered to consciousness when the experience is now a shadow of itself forgiven and exorcised in therapy and program and tribal dances at Rowe. Can I trust the good to be good in my life today, with him and in other areas of my life? or is there a blemish, an internal hollow of which I should be afraid? That's the sort of crazy that comes into my head and I have to calm and tame it to proceed.
This could be the most amazing relationship: I feel it deep in my psyche, the one that lasts a lifetime. Look at the evidence over 14 weeks: how solid and safe it's been. I've been eating better: cooking more at home. I've been sleeping better: he loves getting to bed on time.
And there's the insomnia that he suffers and that's where I feel helpless and the crazy thoughts begin again. How can I be a thoughtful kind boyfriend to someone who struggles with insomnia? I can talk with other men whose partners suffer with this too. An ALANON for men who love men who suffer from insomnia. The alternate personality etc. What's that about anyway? Is is something I did? And if I fail to be appropriately supportive, will I lose this? He reassures me I'm doing all that there is to do. But I of course want to get an A.
Let go.
We're starting to on the one hand find an easy groove and pattern to our lives as they twine together, and on the other hand we're finding the fault lines. We promised a year before even thinking of living together, and yet I get bothered by the travelling between our homes. What gives me so much hope for this relationship, is our thoughtfulness with each other as we discover: my controlling tendencies, his tender places, my raw and scared places (I can literally buzz around our homes as if there were a million things to do--the way a mouse does in a cage), his angry places where he wants to tear down walls around career stuff, and we're learning to listen, be present and take it all in without the need to fix, repair, redress each other. We're accepting the person we're falling in love with and deciding to be supportive, loving and kind. We're starting to stretch into behavior just out of our zones to be there for the other, and to share our time, money and stuff with each other, our soulful knowledge, our wisdom. Most of all though, I think we're opening up to show each other the areas that hurt and need consoling. And that has made the difference.
We both want to help the other heal. And that's how our love grows.
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